Have some class and tap some ass!

March 29, 2010 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized)

Friday night at work was another hilarious night at the bar. And my lovely co-worker’s last night, unfortunately.  We usually have some great laughs over simple observations, collecting sociologies….

And I must say, I think men are actually getting WORSE than ever at picking up chicks.  It’s not that these men and women are unattractive, or boring.  On the contrary, they are great company for us who work long hours, and help to make our job a lot of fun.  I just think some of these guys should know better.

I am rooting for you people out there to have a good time – and if you continue to share your good time past 2am in a hostel bunkbed, the Chateau Granville, or even before then in Johnnie Fox’s handicapped washroom, then good for you! It’s probably a funny/sexy/entertaining story, and who knows? You may even have a repeat customer in the future!

There are certain rules to the game though…. and I think I can help you fellows out by simplifying things, from the point of view of a lady who is quite smitten (still, after a year and a half) with a very charming man of her own.

There is no game. Yes, I said it. All of you who have read the book, “The Game”? Do yourself a favor and recycle it.  Because none of that shit works unless your only goal is to get close enough to drop a roofie in some broad’s drink or to charm the one-eyed, one-eared snake charmer who has been on the same barstool since 1978. 

It really isn’t that difficult to attract someone or to show that you are attracted to someone, but somehow, some of you tend to over-complicate this issue. Sparking someone’s interest is as simple as  this:

1) Smile, for fuck’s sake. And make brief, friendly eye contact (more than 1 second, less than 5). Please don’t stare like a pervert.  And by eye contact, I don’t mean try to look through her shirt to contact her nipples.  The harder you stare, the more likely it is that the shirt will stay on.  Permanently.

2) Approach with comfort and confidence and ask “how are you” , or something along those lines.  You see, when you ask a woman “how are you”, and wait for a reply and actually LISTEN, you have already done almost half your work already.  A little tip? We don’t care how many cars you own. We don’t care that you are wearing Sex Panther cologne and that it cost $176.59 an ounce.  We don’t want to see you try to flex and stretch while not paying attention to the matter at hand – us.  We don’t give a shit if you can play the cello while jerking off on the beach. This is a CONVERSATION, not an interview for America’s Next Top Model. Get over yourself, because ego is surprisingly unattractive.  And trust me, we will want to reciprocate and listen to you, too.

3) If the apple of your eye is with a friend who has now become invisible as you two are furthering your flirtations, and you are at the point where you would like to buy this darling female a drink, BUY ONE FOR HER FRIEND, TOO. This is more important than you think, and it shows in a short matter of time (since actions speak louder than words, and we don’t want to spend an hour listening to how much you donate to the SPCA) how thoughtful, observant, and polite you are.  This is one of the smartest moves you can make – and, her friend will probably now be rooting for you instead of feeling left out and dejected. So, do the right thing. It will cost you maybe an extra $6.  Spend the money to get the honey.

4) Do not mention any of the following words within the first 10 minutes of conversation, even if you are at a bar: cock, erection, douching, girl-on-girl, double penetration (aka DP), “my mother”, “my ex”, moist, tongue, gerbil, or Today Sponge (this last term may only be used in reference to Seinfeld).  None of them have ever helped anyone get laid in the past few decades, so please… Watch your mouth a LITTLE when you are hitting on someone, show a bit of respect.  Of course I, your bartender, think this sick shit is funny. That is because even though I am a female, I am your BARTENDER and am immune to this kind of language. Plus, I am with a man who’s sense of humour is very similar to mine, and am quite used to (and greatly amused by) boyish jokes and immature potty humour.  Most single chicks on the prowl are not.

5) No touching. Absolutely not. You know exactly what I mean. A brief pat on the hand, arm, shoulder or back may be acceptable if tonight’s catch is laughing at your jokes and standing close to you and flirting with you. Then maybe later if it goes well, squeeze the arm or touch the waist.  But no touching below the waist upon first inspection. No hair, face, hip, or thigh grazing until you have had some semblance of a conversation, first.  Show your self-control and be patient; there is nothing more pathetic than a desperate little twat grabbing some poor woman’s special bits. Grow up, and put your hands in your pockets. You’ll find that not many normal strangers enjoy being touched like summer fruit at a farmer’s market.  I will admit without shame or regret that I have thrown a hi-ball glass at some motherfucker in a nightclub once who decided to grab my ass so hard, I thought he was going to rip a piece off, and walk away with half of it in his perverted little paws.  And then I hoped his useless little pecker would rot and fall off.

See what I mean about this sick sense of humour? Anyways.

6) If you don’t seal the deal tonight, don’t pout or beg.  Men, you are only good to us on your knees if we want you there privately and nakedly.  This bartering/negotiating/desperate persuasion attempt is degrading, and you are only hurting yourself and digging a big hole (no pun intended), and worst of all, wasting everyone’s time.  Have some SELF-respect most importantly, and if the answer is no, cut your losses and move on to someone else.  Think of exchanging phone numbers as meaning “I think of you as a human being, not just a night off for my strong hand”. 

7) Your bartender/waitress, by the way, is nice to you because they are employed in the SERVICE industry. Food, drink, smile.  If you expect more, don’t expect to be welcomed the next time you come around.  Just because someone smiles at you, doesn’t mean they are trying to give you “impure thoughts” (thank you, 87 year-old hunchback freak with the Matrix coat and black 16th century clogs).  Do not compliment their specifically nice personal body parts (i.e. tits, ass, smell…) .

8) If you want to actually have sex and maybe even do a good job and score that elusive repeat customer, don’t get sloppy. By which I mean, don’t get extremely wasted and assume that after 7 pints and 2 shots of Jager, you are indeed the man of the hour.  Loosening up with a few drinks? Great idea.  Going home hammered and passing out on top of a MILF (tonight’s prize!) who takes 45 minutes to move her bowels in your ensuite bathroom, and has to remember not to leave her teeth in the glass on your bedside table? Not your best work.

Also, don’t aim to take home the most drunk chick in the room. Do I even need to say this? Do you want to get puked on, cried on, and have to smell gin on your pillow for the week as a reminder of Cocktail Carly? When you take this girl home instead of taking my advice, you will regret it as soon as you see her sucking on your bedpost and telling you that you must eat a lot of red meat to get so much iron in your diet….Upgrade your choices. Why? It’s like CoverGirl says: because you’re worth it.

9) Just relax. Please.  Behaving like a high-strung poodle on acid won’t help you or anyone within a 5 foot radius of you. You are likely to meet someone who shares your interest in having a good time, and will get your fifteen minutes (probably more like 3.5) of fame – all over their face, if you’re especially lucky.  

I hope some of this will help you in the future.

Until next time –

Have some class while tappin’ that ass!



  1. Anthony said,

    thank you. thank you. THANK YOU for telling guys to RECYCLE their copy of THE GAME. If there’s any book that exercises that guys should be ANYTHING but themselves, it’s probably that one.

  2. Craig Barnes said,

    I love a lot of what you have to say in this article. I always take it as a compliment when women I know tell me, “Craig, you’re not like other guys.” Mostly for the above-listed reasons.

    On the other hand, some of the above must be working for men, because I have noted that in the past I’ve been “Friended” more often than Carrot Top’s Facebook Profile. That may have more to do with my being a geek than it does my respectful, honest treatment of women, but I can tell you that it’s been my experience that a lot of women don’t like to be hit on with disgusting cliches, but they do respond to it. Sometimes, a response is all it takes, if the guy is clever.

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