A little secret of mine. And here’s to changing it.

June 18, 2010 at 11:03 am (Uncategorized)

I’m sure you have heard the expression “No news is good news”?  I think no news is pretty damn boring.

I think I can sum up how I really feel about how much I want change in a few words:

I. need. a. vacation.

Things need to seriously be shaken up.  When things aren’t going the way you want, you must MAKE change.  Change doesn’t always find you, because it doesn’t always know where to look, and it doesn’t always know that you need it to be there for you.  Don’t get me wrong – the routine of my life isn’t bad or painful.  I would say that, all-in-all, I am happy and I have a lot of gratitude for everything that has come my way. 

Is it so wrong to want more?  I read a few pages of a new book called “The Happiness Project”, and I sometimes wonder if my desires are slightly selfish: to make a privileged, blessed life like mine (in the society and time I live in) better?  Isn’t that a bit….narcissistic and selfish? 

But if I work towards my own happiness… it would benefit others, too.  I don’t mean to say that I want to put a focus on me, me, ME!  I think you must be happy to make anyone else truly happy.  In fact, one of the biggest things that has been on my mind is how much more I could do with my life than what I am doing right now… I think I have way too much passion and drive to stay right where I am. 

So basically, this is it.  I think I might be at some sort of crossroads/intersection/whatever.  I just finished my last year teaching dance (had my last classes last night).  And while I love working at my bar… it’s not enough.  Sure, I could give myself the excuse that I should enjoy being young and carefree, and irresponsible… but even I don’t like buying that.  While I am quite happy, I’m not really fulfilled.  I don’t know if I have enough patience to wait around for my big break in the acting world.  To be honest, I have been to 2 – yes, two – auditions since late January.  It’s…. June now.  I know things are slow, but come on. That’s ridiculous.  And I really don’t want to be a bartender when I’m 30.  Not that there’s anything wrong with it.  But I don’t want it to become a career and turn into a “lifer”.  Long-term, it isn’t a good choice for me.

I’ll even tell you a secret, that this is my biggest fear:

I am absolutely, utterly, and completely terrified of doing nothing important with my life.  Of letting it go to waste, when I could have done so much with the passion, drive, and privileged circumstances that have all fallen in my hands.  Of no one remembering me when I’m gone.  Of waking up as an old woman, realizing I waited too long to use what I had.  Of the boredom, security, comfort, and emptiness that is felt from many of our lives because we don’t realize that we want more, we wish we could DO more and be a more important person, because a good job and enough money will never be enough.   Of not being able to change the state of the world we live in, to better the lives of others who need and deserve it.  I want desperately to see change in my lifetime, but I don’t want to sit around and hope blindly that someone else will do the job.  I want that job.

One of the things that makes me extremely excited and happy is my trip to Brasil.  I can’t wait ’til February!  Talk about change. It will be so different from everything in my life right now.  I want to see, smell, touch, hear Brasil.  The beaches, the Amazon river and rainforest, the people, the different cities (Rio, Sao Paulo, Salvador, Manaus, Florianopolis), the music, the food, the sun… I want to drink it all in.  And when I return, things will be different because I will be different.  Until then, I’ll try to figure it out here.  I want to fulfill a greater purpose in my life.  I kind of hate all this cheesy “self-fulfilling” self-absorbed shit, but I’m not talking about just making my own life better.  I want to make the world a better place (gag now if you must).  And no, I don’t think becoming a yoga teacher or a life coach is even close to that (for fuck sakes).  I want something radical, something big, something that will last, hopefully on a global scale.  This is a lot to hope for.  I think I should start making a concrete plan so that it doesn’t just remain a hope.  It’s just tough to know where to start.

Good old Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world. 

I’m ready, G.

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2 Comments

  1. M. M. said,

    That was quite a touching and sweet post. I understand your concerns. 🙂 And many a times, I’ve also found myself in a similar situation; i.e. wanting to do something important with my life. That’s understandable. 🙂
    I wish you a memorable trip to Brasil. Hopefully, as an old woman, you’d cherish this experience. 🙂 And, hopefully, the future has many more positive changes in store for you. 🙂 Good luck.

  2. SD said,

    Incredibly refreshing. You have figured it out, do not look back.

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