Boozing or losing: the fine art of public drinking etiquette

September 27, 2010 at 2:26 pm (Uncategorized)

Sometimes I think that there is no possible way to shock or surprise me anymore.  But, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

In case any of you are new (greetings!) to “going out”, here’s a couple real quick tips to keep in mind.  As we all know: sometimes it can be really tough to get off on the right foot with people if you vomit on them or grope them!

1) Just because it is your birthday/bachelorette/bachelor party, please don’t ask everyone around you to buy you shots/drinks.  It makes you look just like the cheap, tacky bastard that you are.  Showing one nipple does not entitle you to free Jack Daniels.  Some places have birthday specials, and some nice people may be happy for you and buy you a drink… but don’t whine and beg for free drinks. And if you don’t get anything, it’s even cheaper, ruder, and tackier to be short on your bill or tip nothing.  It’s your own fault you don’t want to pay for shit and are a self-entitled Lindsay Lohan wannabe.  Don’t take it out on someone else.

2) It’s not very polite to put your jacket, scarf, mittens, hipster hat, moustache comb, tiny dog, and bag of your own douce on top of someone else’s table/chair, especially when they are still sitting there.  You may be okay with standing and drinking and sharing everything… but maybe someone doesn’t WANT your nice bomber coat on their lap.  The world is not your coat rack.

3) People in Vancouver are generally well-mannered. Thank you goes a long way to anyone (other patrons, staff), and I do love this city for their “please and thank you” attitude.  It’s always nice to hear 🙂

4) If something is spilled on you… please don’t freak out.  I’m sure the spiller feels worse in this situation than you do, and will probably apologize profusely, and usually offer to buy you a new drink etc, so even if you have to dry clean your outfit and it costs, like, $12.75… well, shit happens.  Don’t wear your Prada sweater out in public if it is so easily damaged, and if this could potentially ruin your life.  Lighten up a bit.  If it’s a jerk who didn’t apologize or was rude, then feel free to dump a cocktail in the jerk’s lap.  Or just forget about it and have a good time anyways.

5) I do happen to love meeting new people from all over the world, and seeing everyone get along and make new friends… but if you are not from here, you still need to respect how a restaurant/lounge/bar works.  If you have a tab with one server/bartender, they may not be sharing a cash-till/register with another co-worker.  If you are sitting down and someone has been serving you, it’s pretty rude to refuse their service, order from the bar because you think it means you won’t be expected to tip anyone, and then sit back down, blocking your server’s section for hours.  This means that your server will be working for their $8 – tax that night and thus require welfare. Which brings me too…

6) Always pay and tip whoever has been serving you.  Leave your money in a billfold – crowding in a huddle around the bar/door when most bars now have portable debit, and servers offer to bring change to YOU, is pretty inconvenient.  I think servers have had many nights where they have to pay their establishment (tip out) to serve someone, because they dropped their tip in whichever random jar they saw…which means you just tipped someone else for my work.  And a server may have to tip the bar out at the end of a shift on top of that. 

7) Don’t steal glassware. There are cameras everywhere.  Sometimes in a big chain restaurant, they have a couple extra cool glasses lying around, and you can ask to buy one (they sometimes may give one to you, but don’t expect something for free).  Your grandmother told you that stealing is wrong, and she knew what she was talking about.

8) If someone tells you that you look nice/pretty/handsome, don’t immediately turn your nose up and be a self-absorbed ass.  If they are being polite, courteous, and sincere… it might just be a nice compliment.  You can just smile and say thanks – you don’t have to sleep with this person just because you didn’t rudely reject their comment.  Not everyone goes to a bar/restaurant to look for poon.

9) When you go swimming, some people like to dip their toes in the pool before jumping right in to the deep end.  When you see an attractive member of the opposite sex in a bar, think of this pool analogy, and maybe touch their arm first BEFORE touching their ass/underneath their skirt/pull a zipper.  I think I may have mentioned this before in some other ranting blog…. but just to enlighten you. PROCEED WITH CAUTION when groping.  And never, never, NEVER touch the bartender/server/host/general staff.  You might be the last person to push their buttons on a long night, and you might deserve to get bottled.

10) Don’t pee on a wall. Any wall. That’s never okay. Not even if you have an audience.

11) Don’t take off your shirt and play with/flop your man-boobs around because it is “too humid” indoors. (Really. This shouldn’t have to be said.)

Otherwise… enjoy your next Friday night! And keep your shirt on.

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